Five weeks in, nobody is undefeated. Jason and David entered at 4–0, presumably browsing championship ring designs. Both left with their first losses.
Kyle dropped 188.90, Levi hoarded enough quarterbacks to start an NFL expansion team, and Chris somehow became a functioning fantasy manager. Meanwhile, Guy scored 85. In a Superflex league. Let's get into it.
THE QUARTERBACK CARTEL STRIKES AGAIN
David did everything right. Jahmyr Gibbs dropped 39.70, Jordan Love added 29.28, and David scored 171.38. Unfortunately, Levi owns approximately 40% of the NFL's quarterback supply.
Drake Maye went nuclear for 47.46, while Jacoby Brissett added 32.28. On Levi's bench? Jayden Daniels (33.26) and Jameis Winston (32.74). That's 145.74 quarterback points across four players, and he only used two.
Other managers are trying to find one healthy quarterback while Levi has two 30-point QBs collecting unemployment. David falls to 4–1. Levi improves to 2–3, which might be the most embarrassing part of this entire story.
FOUR WEEKS OF PERFECTION. ONE WEEK OF GETTING BENT OVER.
Jason was 4–0. Undefeated. Untouchable. Probably practicing his championship speech in the mirror. Then Kyle dropped 188.90 on his forehead.
Christian Watson (29.80), Parker Washington (27.90), and Tyler Warren (23.40) combined for 81.10. Jason got 1.90 from CeeDee Lamb, 4.80 from DK Metcalf, and 3.70 from Dalton Kincaid. Three players apparently took a personal day.
Kyle was coming off getting his ass kicked by Chris. So Chris beats Kyle, Kyle beats Jason, and Jason's undefeated season ends because Kyle needed somewhere to direct his emotional trauma. Jason is still 4–1. But he'll never be 5–0.
CHRIS IS BACK. GUY SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
Chris started 0–3. Now he's won two straight. Jared Goff (34.94), Malik Nabers (26.60), Brock Bowers (25.00), and Braelon Allen (20.10) combined for 106.64.
Guy's entire team scored 85.26. David Montgomery (1.10), Deebo Samuel (1.50), Romeo Doubs (2.60), and Jeremiyah Love (2.20) combined for 7.40. Chris even survived Tyler Shough scoring negative 0.16 and still won by 61.
At this point, Guy isn't managing a fantasy team. He's running a nonprofit for opposing managers. Both teams are now 2–3, which raises serious questions about Guy's first four weeks.
GEORGE STARTED A QUARTERBACK WHO SCORED ONE POINT.
Isaiah Likely dropped 34.40 for Carl, while Tyler Huntley added 29.04. George countered with Tyson Bagent scoring 1.18. One point. In Superflex.
George barely escaped Guy by 0.84 last week. This week Carl beat him by nearly 50. Apparently George's strategy of being slightly better than Guy has a pretty low ceiling. Carl moves to 3–2; George drops to 2–3.
BRAD’S REBUILD NEEDS A REBUILD.
Puka Nacua (33.70), Mike Evans (25.30), and Trey McBride (23.10) carried Donald. Brad got solid outings from Trevor Lawrence (26.24), James Cook (24.80), and Garrett Wilson (21.40).
Unfortunately, Tee Higgins, Dohnte Meyers, and Kenyon Sadiq combined for 6.70. Brad also left Tyrone Tracy's 22.50 on the bench. Donald scored 315.42 over two weeks and finally got a win. Brad falls to 1–4. At this point, his rebuilding project needs a rebuilding project.
STEPHEN’S DYNASTY LASTED SEVEN DAYS.
Last week Stephen won his first game. This week Josh Allen scored 35.50 and C.J. Stroud added 23.94. Nearly 60 points from two quarterbacks, and Stephen still couldn't crack 112.
RJ Harvey, Carnell Tate, Harold Fannin, and Tyler Allgeier combined for 6.30. Jesse got 33.60 from Joe Burrow, 33.32 from Matthew Stafford, and 26.00 from George Pickens. Jesse improves to 3–2. Stephen falls to 1–4. Josh Allen deserves custody of this franchise.
Week 5 Hardware
- The Belt — Kyle: 188.90. Jason's undefeated season is now a historical artifact.
- The Undertaker — Levi: Ended David's 4–0 start despite David scoring 171.
- The QB Monopoly — Levi: Daniels and Winston both scored 30+ on his bench. Still 2–3.
- The Participation Trophy — Guy: 85.26 points. In Superflex. With actual NFL players.
- The Resurrection — Chris: Started 0–3. Won two straight. Check his account for suspicious activity.
- The Wasted Performance — David: Scored 171.38 and lost. Fantasy football is a stupid fucking game.
Week 5 Scoreboard
| Winner | Score | Loser | Score |
|---|---|---|---|
| Kyle | 188.90 | Jason | 119.22 |
| Levi | 183.64 | David | 171.38 |
| Carl | 158.30 | George | 108.46 |
| Donald | 151.36 | Brad | 130.52 |
| Chris | 146.28 | Guy | 85.26 |
| Jesse | 144.50 | Stephen | 111.94 |
The Final Word
Kyle is back. David and Jason are no longer perfect. Chris is somehow relevant again. Carl and Jesse are quietly climbing. Levi owns four quarterbacks who scored 30+ and still has a losing record. Brad and Stephen are fighting for draft position. And Guy scored 85 points.
The undefeated are dead. The league is wide open. And somewhere, Josh Allen is wondering if he can request a trade from Stephen's fantasy team.