Josh Allen Scored 49.82 and Stephen Still Fucking Lost

YOU HAD JOSH ALLEN SCORE 49.82. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT?

I genuinely don’t know what Stephen is supposed to do here.

He drafted Josh Allen 1.01 overall. We made fun of him for making the safest pick imaginable.

Then Allen goes out in Week 2 and drops: 49.82 FUCKING POINTS.

The pick worked. The strategy worked. The franchise quarterback looked at Stephen and essentially said: Boss, I’ve done everything I can. You’re on your own now.

And Stephen still lost.

Meanwhile Jason had a beautifully annoying lineup. Amon-Ra St. Brown scored 33.2, and his roster just kept piling enough shit on top of it to reach 150.50.

Stephen scored 143.64, the fifth-highest score of the entire league.

Record: 0-2.

Last week he scored 141.32 and ran into David’s 192-point nuclear test. This week he scored 143.64 while Josh Allen transformed into God and still lost.

Through two weeks Stephen has scored 284.96 points and has received exactly as many wins as someone who forgot the league existed.

OH, SO KYLE ACTUALLY DOES HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM

Last week Kyle scored 129.18, the second-lowest total in the league, and somehow walked out 1-0.

We called it robbery. Kyle apparently took that personally.

Week 2: 163.18.

Highest team score in the league.

Where the fuck was this team last week?

Kyle’s lineup was absurdly balanced. He got 27.4, 23.5, 20.2, 16.2, 15.4, 14.9, 14.8 and 12.6 from eight different starters.

No 50-point miracle. No single player dragging nine corpses around. Just ten guys collectively kicking Levi in the dick for four hours.

Levi, meanwhile, followed his 151.68-point opener with 125.36.

And here’s a fun one: Jake Ferguson scored 20.8 on Levi’s bench.

Twenty point eight. Sitting there. Doing absolutely fucking nothing for him.

Watching 20.8 points glow on your bench while you’re getting your ass handed to you is a special kind of Sunday experience.

You don’t even get angry. You just keep opening Sleeper every six minutes as if maybe the app will eventually say: You know what, Levi? We’ll count those.

It will not.

FROM THE BASEMENT TO THE PENTHOUSE

Last week’s newsletter ended with: “Jesse is just trying to score 130.”

Apparently Jesse reads the newsletter.

Because the motherfucker scored 161.36.

Second-highest team score of Week 2.

This is the same Jesse who scored a league-worst 124.86 seven days ago.

And the funniest part is that Jesse’s quarterback room suddenly turned into a goddamn laboratory.

Joe Burrow: 20.18. Perfectly fine.

But then 38-year-old Matthew Stafford came shambling out of the retirement village and scored 34.98.

Thirty-four fucking points. At 38 years old.

Jesse’s “2019 Pro Bowl” draft that we roasted suddenly looks considerably less funny when the senior citizens start dropping 30.

Guy? 120.18.

Remember last week when we apologized for making fun of his elderly roster? We would like to formally retract that apology.

Dak Prescott did his part with 38.76. The rest of the retirement home apparently had bingo night.

Guy went from 144.16 to 120.18 and is now 1-1. This is the danger of building your championship window out of Social Security checks and cartilage.

DAVID, COULD YOU PLEASE FUCK OFF?

Week 1: 192.00.

Week 2: 152.86.

Two-week total: 344.86 points.

David has now averaged 172.43 points per week.

This isn’t a fantasy team anymore. It’s a fucking problem.

Jalen Hurts gave him 21.16. Jahmyr Gibbs gave him 23.3. Jonathan Taylor dropped 30.7.

And David did this while DJ Moore scored NEGATIVE 0.1 POINTS in his starting lineup.

Yes. -0.1.

DJ Moore didn’t fail to help David. He actively made his score worse.

David basically had one of his starters working undercover for Brad and still won by 28.38 points.

Meanwhile, Brad received 38 points from Davante Adams.

Thirty-eight! Davante did everything short of walking over to David’s house and unplugging his router. Didn’t matter.

And because fantasy football enjoys cruelty, Brad also had Malik Willis score 14.98 on his bench while Trevor Lawrence gave him only 6.66.

In Superflex.

Brad. My brother in Christ.

You had a 14.98-point quarterback sitting on the bench while your starting quarterback scored 6.66.

That’s an extra 8.32 points just sitting there watching you lose.

Would it have saved Brad? No. Would it have made him look slightly less like an asshole? Absolutely.

Better luck next week, you dumb twat.

BRYCE YOUNG HAS ENTERED THE CHAT

Remember Donald’s startup draft?

Mahomes. Kyler. Bryce Young.

We accused him of running a quarterback shelter.

Well, one of the shelter dogs just bit somebody.

Patrick Mahomes: 35.48.

Bryce Young: 30.58.

That’s 66.06 points from two quarterbacks.

Okay, Donald. We get it now.

Apparently this is why you needed enough quarterbacks to field a fucking flag football team.

Carl, meanwhile, scored 131.98 after putting up 150.16 in Week 1.

And we need to discuss Marvin Harrison Jr.

Carl started him.

Marvin Harrison Jr. scored: 0.0.

Nothing. Zero.

Not “had a quiet week.” Not “didn’t quite hit projection.”

The same number of fantasy points as Carl scored while sitting on his fucking couch.

Actually, Carl’s couch may have contributed more emotional stability.

Carl also had Darren Waller put up 18.8 on the bench.

Watching 18.8 points glow on your bench while one of your starters posts a goose egg is the kind of thing that makes a man stare at his phone in complete silence.

No yelling. No swearing. Just: Huh.

Then you lock the phone. Then you unlock it 45 seconds later to make sure Marvin Harrison still has zero.

He does.

CHRIS’S 2029 DYNASTY IS GOING FUCKING GREAT

Ladies and gentlemen. We have found the basement.

105.06 points.

Chris didn’t lose. Chris submitted an application for relegation.

The funniest part? Jared Goff scored 37.78.

Goff personally accounted for more than a third of Chris’s entire score.

Which means Chris’s beautiful collection of young dynasty assets apparently spent Sunday learning valuable lessons about teamwork and friendship.

Malik Nabers? 0.6 points.

And while Nabers was out there producing approximately the fantasy value of a successful two-point conversion, Denzel Boston scored 19.0 on Chris’s bench.

Nineteen.

So Chris had one receiver score 0.6 in his lineup while another receiver put up 19 from the comfort of the bench.

You really left the guy who scored 19 on your bench while Malik Nabers gave you 0.6?

Excellent work, you fucking donkey.

Now, to be fair, that switch alone still wouldn’t have saved Chris. He lost by 28.42.

But there’s a difference between dying peacefully and shitting your pants on the way out.

George didn’t even need an incredible overall performance because Jaxon Smith-Njigba detonated for 40.5 points.

Forty point five. JSN accounted for more than 30% of George’s entire score.

George basically strapped himself to JSN’s back and yelled: TAKE ME TO 1-1.

And he did.

The funniest part? Last week George scored 145.74 and lost. This week he scored 133.48 and won by 28.42.

Twelve fewer points. Significantly better outcome.

Fantasy football remains an extraordinarily stupid activity.