Issue No. 1 • Inaugural Edition

Draft Roast

12 managers. 264 picks. Nine combine participants. Three DNS. And enough bad dynasty decisions to keep this publication alive for years.

The Combine, in one paragraph

Stephen won in 1:01.9, beating David by 24.6 seconds. Jesse finished third. Carl beat Chris by half a second to avoid last place. Levi, Donald and Jason did not participate, a decision the league office has chosen to classify as “strategic load management.”

Stephen • Chase's Brown Penix • Draft Slot 1 • Combine 1

Won the combine. Reached into the future.

Core: Josh Allen, Drake London, Nico Collins, Chase Brown, Carnell Tate, Harold Fannin

Stephen spent weeks preparing his body for the Combine and apparently spent the draft preparing for the 2029 season. Josh Allen, Drake London and Nico Collins were all painfully responsible choices. Then Round 5 arrived and Stephen decided the present was overrated.

Carnell Tate, Harold Fannin and Makai Lemon turned the middle of his startup into a time capsule. By Round 7, he was drafting so far into the future that the rest of the league needed a DeLorean to check his rankings. And after taking Josh Allen first overall, he still collected Cam Ward, C.J. Stroud and Michael Penix because apparently one franchise quarterback is for casuals.

Josh Allen — 1.01Congratulations on successfully clicking the first name on the board.

Carnell Tate — Round 5Stephen didn't reach for a player. He reached through space and time.

Cam Ward + C.J. Stroud + Michael PenixJosh Allen wasn't enough. Stephen apparently opened a quarterback shelter.

Draft Grade B+

David • 4th & 9ers • Draft Slot 2 • Combine 2

Dynasty, but make it urgent.

Core: Jahmyr Gibbs, Jalen Hurts, Jonathan Taylor, Chris Olave, Jordan Love, Sam LaPorta

David drafted like the league is scheduled to dissolve after the 2028 season. Gibbs and Hurts were a terrifying opening, and then Jonathan Taylor made it clear that patience would not be part of the business plan.

Olave, Jordan Love and LaPorta gave the roster enough youth to avoid a full intervention, but Courtland Sutton and Aaron Jones brought the average age right back up. Then J.J. McCarthy appeared in Round 21 like David suddenly looked at the league settings and realized these players do, in fact, carry over next year.

Jonathan Taylor — Round 3David is building a dynasty like there's a three-year term limit.

Aaron Jones — Round 14Nothing says dynasty upside like a running back whose Wikipedia page needs a scroll bar.

J.J. McCarthy — Round 21Twenty rounds into a win-now draft, David suddenly remembered: “Oh shit, this is dynasty.”

Draft Grade B+

Brad • Obi-Jan Kenobi • Draft Slot 3 • Combine 6

Six rounds of competence. Then Kyle Pitts.

Core: Bijan Robinson, James Cook, Trevor Lawrence, Garrett Wilson, A.J. Brown, Tee Higgins

For six rounds Brad looked like he had stolen somebody else's draft sheet. Bijan, James Cook, Trevor Lawrence, Garrett Wilson, A.J. Brown and Tee Higgins is the kind of start that makes the group chat annoyingly quiet.

Then he selected Kyle Pitts and reminded everyone that no fantasy manager is immune to self-sabotage. One round later came Malik Willis as QB2. Brad essentially built a luxury house, installed marble countertops, and then wired the entire thing to a generator from Harbor Freight.

Kyle Pitts — Round 7At this point Kyle Pitts isn't a fantasy player. He's a psychological experiment.

Malik Willis — Round 8Brad built a Ferrari and installed a riding-lawn-mower backup engine.

Trevor Lawrence as QB1The entire roster may spend Sundays asking Trevor to please just be normal.

Draft Grade B

Kyle • Team Kyle • Draft Slot 4 • Combine 7

Elite start. Adventure tourism after that.

Core: Ja'Marr Chase, Justin Herbert, Tyler Warren, Kyren Williams, Quinshon Judkins, Christian Watson

Kyle opened with Ja'Marr Chase and Justin Herbert, which is almost impossible to make fun of. Tyler Warren, Kyren Williams and Quinshon Judkins kept the operation looking professional for five full rounds.

Then Christian Watson arrived and the draft became an amusement park. Parker Washington followed, Sam Darnold joined later, and by the time Deshaun Watson was selected in Round 19, Kyle was no longer mining for upside. He was checking the couch cushions for loose fantasy points.

Christian Watson — Round 6There are roller coasters with less week-to-week variance.

Parker Washington — Round 7The draft strategy officially became “I saw a tweet about this guy once.”

Deshaun Watson — Round 19You were legally allowed to simply stop drafting.

Draft Grade B-

Donald • Team Donald • Draft Slot 5 • Combine DNS

Skipped the combine. Apparently studied instead.

Core: Puka Nacua, Trey McBride, Patrick Mahomes, Breece Hall, Luther Burden, Brian Thomas

Donald skipped the Combine and then had the nerve to draft like the extra rest actually mattered. Puka, McBride and Mahomes is an obnoxiously good start, and Breece Hall, Luther Burden and Brian Thomas Jr. did nothing to make the rest of us feel better.

The only real opening for criticism came when Donald started stockpiling quarterbacks and deep cuts. Kyler Murray and Bryce Young are understandable. Ted Hurst in Round 16 felt less like a fantasy pick and more like Donald testing whether anybody else in the room was still awake.

Patrick Mahomes — Round 3Annoyingly good value. This section was supposed to be funnier.

Kyler Murray + Bryce YoungDonald is preparing for a future league rule where quarterbacks can be exchanged for cash.

Ted Hurst — Round 16A pick whose biggest immediate contribution was making the league ask, “Who the hell is Ted Hurst?”

Draft Grade A-

Chris • Team Chris • Draft Slot 6 • Combine 9

Built for a season that hasn't happened yet.

Core: Brock Bowers, Malik Nabers, Colston Loveland, Tetairoa McMillan, Zay Flowers, Jared Goff

Chris finished last in the Combine by half a second and responded by drafting a roster young enough to still be on a family phone plan. Bowers, Nabers, Loveland, Tetairoa McMillan and Zay Flowers made his intentions obvious: winning now is somebody else's problem.

TreVeyon Henderson, Jordyn Tyson, Jonathon Brooks, Denzel Boston, Jonah Coleman and more prospects followed. At some point the roster stopped looking like a fantasy team and started looking like a scouting department's shared Google Doc. Jared Goff is basically the adult chaperone.

The entire rosterChris isn't trying to win the league. He's trying to win the league eventually.

Jared Goff — Round 6Goff walked into the locker room and immediately asked why everyone needed a permission slip.

Prospects on prospects on prospectsAt some point this stopped being a fantasy roster and became a Mel Kiper notebook.

Draft Grade B+

George • Team George • Draft Slot 7 • Combine 4

Quarterback hoarding is not a personality.

Core: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Omarion Hampton, De'Von Achane, Jaxson Dart, Rashee Rice, Tucker Kraft

George started beautifully with JSN, Omarion Hampton and De'Von Achane. Then he drafted Jaxson Dart in Round 4 and apparently discovered a new hobby: preventing other people from owning quarterbacks.

Baker Mayfield, Daniel Jones, Carson Beck and Cade Klubnik eventually joined Dart. George has enough quarterbacks to run his own training camp. If the NFL ever switches to a six-quarterback offense, the rest of us are finished. Until then, half his bench is essentially a hostage situation.

Dart + Baker + Daniel Jones + Carson Beck + Cade KlubnikThis isn't a QB room. It's an open casting call.

Cade Klubnik — Round 21By then George wasn't drafting quarterbacks because he needed them. He was drafting them so you couldn't.

Antitrust ConcernThe league office is monitoring the situation.

Draft Grade B

Carl • Talk Purdy To Me • Draft Slot 8 • Combine 8

49ers fan fiction disguised as roster construction.

Core: Lamar Jackson, Ashton Jeanty, Christian McCaffrey, Brock Purdy, Jaylen Waddle, Marvin Harrison

Carl drafted Lamar Jackson and Ashton Jeanty and briefly looked like a man capable of separating fandom from strategy. That illusion lasted exactly two rounds.

Christian McCaffrey arrived in Round 3, Brock Purdy in Round 4, and Ricky Pearsall later because apparently owning a dynasty team is just another way for Carl to express his 49ers season-ticket energy. Marvin Harrison Jr. and Waddle keep the roster legitimate, but nobody believes Carl would have passed on Purdy even if Sleeper had listed him as retired.

Christian McCaffrey — Round 3This wasn't a dynasty decision. This was fan fiction.

Brock Purdy — Round 4Purdy could have retired during Round 3 and Carl still would have drafted him.

Ricky Pearsall — Round 15One waiver claim away from rostering Kyle Juszczyk.

Draft Grade B+

Jesse • Team Jesse • Draft Slot 9 • Combine 3

Started a dynasty. Drafted the 2019 Pro Bowl.

Core: Justin Jefferson, Joe Burrow, George Pickens, Kenneth Walker, DeVonta Smith, Jadarian Price

Jesse started with Justin Jefferson and Joe Burrow, which is the sort of foundation dynasty managers dream about. Then the roster gradually transformed into a reunion tour.

Matthew Stafford, George Kittle, Alvin Kamara and Tyreek Hill all showed up. This team has plenty of firepower, but Jesse's championship window is less of a window and more of a countdown clock. If he wins early, he looks like a genius. If not, the 2028 waiver wire is going to know him by name.

Stafford + Kittle + Kamara + TyreekAt one point this roster was incredible. Unfortunately that point may have already happened.

Tyreek Hill — Round 21Either the greatest Round 21 pick ever or Jesse accidentally drafted a podcast host.

Age profileThe team bus leaves for bingo at 4:30.

Draft Grade B

Jason • Team Jason • Draft Slot 10 • Combine DNS

Skipped the combine. Drafted The Expendables.

Core: Amon-Ra St. Brown, CeeDee Lamb, Bo Nix, Derrick Henry, Cam Skattebo, Dalton Kincaid

Jason skipped the Combine and was immediately rewarded with Amon-Ra and CeeDee Lamb, which is a terrible precedent for the league's work ethic. Bo Nix gave him a young quarterback, and then the roster took a hard turn toward men with extremely established LinkedIn profiles.

Derrick Henry and Josh Jacobs came early, and Aaron Rodgers arrived in Round 18 for reasons known only to Jason and possibly Aaron Rodgers. The roster is half premium dynasty assets and half cast members from The Expendables.

Derrick Henry — Round 4Nothing says dynasty startup like drafting a running back who has been in the NFL since Barack Obama was president.

Josh Jacobs — Round 7One old running back wasn't enough.

Aaron Rodgers — Round 18Dynasty. Aaron Rodgers. Those words should not be in the same paragraph.

Draft Grade B-

Levi • Team Levi • Draft Slot 11 • Combine DNS

Superflex interpreted very literally.

Core: Drake Maye, Jayden Daniels, Emeka Egbuka, Ladd McConkey, Bucky Irving, Travis Etienne

Levi opened with Drake Maye and Jayden Daniels and made it clear he was not interested in ever worrying about quarterback again. In Superflex, that's defensible. It also made every subsequent quarterback pick increasingly funny.

Egbuka, McConkey and Bucky Irving gave him a strong young core, but by the time Jacoby Brissett was drafted in Round 14, Levi had moved from depth to emergency preparedness. His QB room could survive a natural disaster, two bye weeks and a congressional investigation.

Drake Maye + Jayden DanielsLevi saw “Superflex” and apparently heard SUPER FLEX.

Jacoby Brissett — Round 14You already drafted Maye and Daniels. What emergency are we preparing for?

Quarterback hoardingThis stopped being roster construction and became a bunker.

Draft Grade B+

Guy • Team Guy • Draft Slot 12 • Combine 5

A used roster off Facebook Marketplace.

Core: Caleb Williams, Jeremiyah Love, Dak Prescott, Saquon Barkley, Rome Odunze, Jameson Williams

Guy hit the 12/13 turn with Caleb Williams and Jeremiyah Love, then followed with Dak Prescott and Saquon Barkley. The strategy quickly became clear: combine enough young upside with enough veteran production that nobody can tell what year you're actually targeting.

Then came Terry McLaurin, David Montgomery, Travis Kelce, Tony Pollard, Deebo Samuel and Kirk Cousins. Guy's roster isn't old; it's seasoned. The seller assured him it runs great, has mostly highway miles, and definitely doesn't need a new transmission.

Travis Kelce — Round 9Guy saw “dynasty” and thought we were talking about the Kansas City Chiefs dynasty.

Deebo + Cousins + PollardRuns great. Mostly highway miles.

Age profileSeveral members of this roster remember fantasy drafts on paper.

Draft Grade C+

League Honors

Draft Roast Awards

Do You Know What Dynasty Means?

Guy. Kelce, Saquon, Montgomery, McLaurin, Pollard, Deebo and Cousins. This roster has LinkedIn Premium.

QB Hoarder

George. At some point you're allowed to stop drafting quarterbacks.

2029 Champion

Chris. Congratulations in advance.

Homer Pick

Carl — Brock Purdy. Nobody believed for one second he was passing.

Google Him Award

Donald — Ted Hurst. Sleeper should have opened a second tab automatically.

Time Traveler

Stephen — Carnell Tate. Stephen is already trading 2030 rookie picks.